American Attention Whore-or Story (Or, How Many Dead Babies Does It Take To Boost FX’s Ratings)

Wednesday nights used to be Modern Family night, full of laughs, wholesome family fun, and Sophia Vergara’s voluptuous form.

See, wholesome.

Now, however, Wednesday nights have become American Horror Story nights.

Why such a radical shift, you ask?

Because American Horror Story is just so fucking ridiculous.

Where shall I begin….

The show stars Dylan McDermott, who looks suspiciously like Ross from Friends.

David Schwimmer should sue him for copyright infringement.

It also stars Mrs. Coach from Friday Night Lights. I’m sure her character had a name, but I don’t really care, and i’m pretty sure most people don’t, either.

Mrs. Coach, I don't think we're in Texas anymore.

So anyways, David Schwimmer’s evil twin and Mrs. Coach move to LA from Boston, where David Schwimmer’s evil twin has been caught, and I quote, “pile-driving some 21-year-old’s pussy.”

David Schwimmer’s evil twin Dylan McDermott, who I will now refer to as Ross, is a psychiatrist. A really, really shitty psychiatrist who cries while he masturbates. But we’ll get to that later.

Ross and Mrs. Coach have a rebellious grunge-rock teen named Violet, who might be the most talented actress on the show (which is not a very high compliment). They also have a dog, I think. Maybe. Maybe the dog is dead. I’m not sure. Let’s be real here, if it isn’t dead, it soon will be.

What a loving family.

They move into this charming Victorian which is lovingly referred to as The Murder House by in-world horror enthusiast.

Let's move here. I hear this is a great neighborhood where murders never occur.

Unfortunately, the Murder House is not as friendly as it sounds.

First off, there’s this creepy southern belle neighbor, played by Jessica Lange, who may or may not be dead.

She probably doesn't even know if she's dead or not. Who fucking knows.

She has a penchant for baking poison cupcakes and has a habit of showing up unwanted at inconvenient times. Kind of like a really persistant yeast infection.

Then there’s the maid, who is certainly dead, because Jessica Lange shot her in the 1980’s. She appears to most as a woman in her sixties, but to Ross, the crying fapper, she looks like the hottest ginger in town.

Too bad he's the only one who gets to see this.

There’s Tate, the capriciously cute axe-murdering teenager, of whom Ross is supposed to treat. Of course, Ross is a shitty psychiatrist whose license to practice medicine should be revoked, and Violet and Tate start a bit of a bad romance. Which is kind of cute, but not really, because he’s probably also dead.

It's cute enough to already merit fan art. I guess.

In one episode, Tate and Violet trick the coke-head school bully to come to their haunted dead-baby basement under the false pretenses that they posses cocaine. Then Tate, with the aid of some mutated monster ghost phantom daemon devil baby, scares the living daylights out of Ms. Crack, and that takes care of that.

But he wears really cute sweaters, so all is forgiven.

Speaking of the mutated monster ghost phantom daemon devil baby, let’s talk about how the house was haunted in the first place. A normal murder, perhaps? Maybe some voodoo, or an ancient curse? Ha, poppycock! The house was originally haunted because of the illegitimate abortion clinic a crazy doctor was running in it in the 1920’s, to fund his research and his wife’s extravagant lifestyle.  We assume the abortions were pretty sketchy and over-priced, being as though it was the 1920’s and your only other option was a coat-hanger or a strong falcon punch to the torso. So at some point a patient’s boyfriend gets mad at the crazy abortion doctor and abducts and kills the doctor’s baby. Oh, cruel dramatic irony! Oh sweet poetic justice! Oh, marvelously abundant ratings boost!

That’s about all we know at this point. Oh, and there’s a bunch of jars of hacked up baby parts in the basement somewhere, and they killed some twin boys in the 1970’s. Oh, and there’s a guy who murdered his family in the house and now has terminal cancer and is on the loose. Oh, and there was a stylish gay couple a few years back that was murdered by a guy in a spandex onesie.

Mr. Spock lovingly plays the role of the stylish gay ghost.

Oh, also:

Mrs. Coach was knocked up by the guy in the spandex onesie, who is, presumably, the same spandex guy who killed Mr. Spock and his domestic partner. She thought it was Ross, but somehow she didn’t notice that someone’s penis other than her husband’s was inside of her. Now she is pregnant with his daemon baby which, at 8 weeks gestation, has made exactly one ultra-sound technician pass out.

In addition:

Ross’ “21 year old pussy” is pregnant with his love baby. Or, was pregnant with his love baby. Now she’s buried in the backyard with the maid’s body and who knows who else’s body. Ross builds a gazebo over it to hide his dead baby mama. How cute.

"I'm under a gazebo now. Maybe."

In short, this is the craziest fucking show that has ever aired on regular cable.

And, yet, I can’t look away. Every moment is a plot twist. I missed five minutes at the beginning of tonight’s episode, and I missed Spock and his partner being murdered via apple-bobbing-tub drowning.

So, you win FX. Your sensationalist dogma wins. I can pretend to hate it all I want. I can roll my eyes at each new dead baby that will inevitably rise from its grave. I can scoff at the fact that the Ross Gellar family still lives in a house that is haunted by a spandex sex ghost, even though every moment they spend living in it raises my blood pressure significantly.

But you all know i’m counting down the moments until next Wednesday.

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One thought on “American Attention Whore-or Story (Or, How Many Dead Babies Does It Take To Boost FX’s Ratings)

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