American Horror Story: Open house (Or, Ouch, I Don’t Like That Crunch Sound)

So, sorry for the lateness of this recap. I was so stunned by last week’s episode that i just recently regained my consciousness. Or just had a lot of midterms. Yeah, that’s probably why.

In fact, i’ve been so busy, I haven’t even payed a visit to my Animal Crossing town this week

This is just too perfect.

Anyways, let’s get to it:

So, turns out Larry and Constance got it on in the ’80s. I was kind of disappointed by this, as I have always supported the pairing Larry x Shovel.

Aww, a match made in the purgatory-like state of being that is the Murder House.

We also got to meet Constance’s son, who had a deformity akin to that which was seen in the movie The Mask– not the one with Jim Carey, the one with Cher.

What a treasure of American Cinema.

So anyways, Larry offs this son, Beau, but then is surreptitiously dumped by Constance, who seems to be somewhat of a royal bitch. Sorry Jessica Lange.

"I'm so hurt."

Vivian, finally realizing that a place called the Murder House may not be the best environment to rear children, tries to sell the house.  A man whose ethnicity is the point of much contention due to terrible script-writing decides to buy the house. Moira, thinking this will lead to the discovery of her backyard corpse, gives the guy a quick blowie in Violet’s room. Afterwards, the mysteriously ethiniced man reveals to Ben, the world’s worst psychiatrist, that he plans to level the Murder House and make it into affordable housing. This leads Moira to later bite off his dick witha  resounding crunch.

"Oops, did I do that?"

I’d feel bad for the guy if he wasn’t such a misogynistic asshole. Also, knowing this show, there was probably some sort of zombie haunted indian burial ground underneath the Murder House that would have prevented the building of an apartment complex. Because that’s typically the way things go on FX.

Season Two, in all likelihood.

Speaking of FX, let’s talk about how sick I am of the commercials that they repeat every. single. week.

Yes, FX, we know your programming consists of Twilight, Transformers 2 (the racist one), and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. No need to remind us.

Really, he is? Because i'm sick of seeing his face every commercial break. Give me Tate in a sweater any day.

Really, that’s pretty much it for this episode. The only theory:

-Tate seemed a little bit suspicious when he explained to Violet how ghosts worked. Is he playing her?

Well, the next episode is TONIGHT and the commercials have portended Violet getting her cherry popped by Tate. Naked Tate. Sweaterless Tate.

I can’t wait.

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